My dad called this morning, as he routinely does every morning. He mentioned that my youngest brother has been offered a promotion at work. He had been filling in for someone who was away, and now he’s been offered the position permanently. I was immediately filled with pride but then sadness overcame me.
Mum always had a soft spot for him. He was born six weeks premature and was kept in an incubator for the first few weeks of his life. When he was a toddler his heart rate was elevated and he had to be monitored regularly. He had asthma, and would often end up in hospital. He was small for his age and was mum’s baby. He was just nine years old when mum passed away.
Without thinking I said “mum would’ve been so proud of him, she always worried about him. Now that I’m a mum, I think about the kids more than myself. How must mum have felt to know she was leaving her baby? She must have been so worried for him. It must have broken her-” I suddenly realised what I was saying, more importantly, who I was saying it to. We were both silent. I had a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes. I felt terrible, how could I be so insensitive? How helpless must dad have felt back then? How must he feel now, when the one person he would want to share everything with, is no longer here?
Dad let out a long sigh. Seriously, what’s wrong with me?
Thankfully, Jerry started shouting and I quickly changed the subject, and sent dad an audio clip of Jerry singing ‘London bridge is falling down’. I could hear dad playing it on the other end of the phone and he laughed. I continued talking to dad but he wasn’t really listening, I could hear him playing the audio clip over and over. He usually does ‘FaceTime’ with the kids every day but they’ve been banned from using the iPad. I know he misses them, “why did you take their iPad away? It’s more a punishment for me than it is for them”, he said. I felt so bad but didn’t want there to be silence again, “you know what they’re like – they’ve been glued to it recently”. Dad spoke to Jerry for a bit (I could still hear the audio clip in the background) and then disconnected the call.
My previous post was about mum, and was difficult to write. I didn’t think this one would be as difficult as it has been. Every time I read through it, I’m filled with emotion and have to take a break. I just can’t wait for February to be over. I feel down in the dumps, and I’ve got a creative block. My head is always filled with too much other stuff, which I can’t ignore, no matter how hard I try. I’m looking forward to March, and hopefully better weather. Just four more days to go.
Is there a particular time of year that you don’t like? How do you deal with it? I’d love some suggestions.
Love and hope,